we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She said her name was "party"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
