My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Bring me that man meat
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
