i was born a porn star she said
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
