Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
