YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
