Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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