My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
