he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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