I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
