GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
