I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
