Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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