there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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