woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need to calm my uterus...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
