I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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