butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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