I showed him my bush... on skype.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
