Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
