First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
