I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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