if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
