I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
