my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
