i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
