NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
