you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
