Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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