I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
