So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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