I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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