life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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