i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
