Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
