I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
