I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
