I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
