At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
