Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
