I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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