She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
