$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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