im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
