He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
