sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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