Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
