"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
