just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
