I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
