so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
