your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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