I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
